I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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