I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he shaved USA in his pubs
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
