I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
