Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
