hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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