the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Boobs speak an international language.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Drunk is a universal language darling
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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