Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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