alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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