i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
