thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
