This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
