made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
