M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
