im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
