thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
