You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
