allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
