mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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