what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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