apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
