I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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