we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
