Your mouth is God's brothel.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
