ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
