the new term for farting is butt boxing.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
