you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
