You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
