Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
