Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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