I'm gonna have a badass scar
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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