i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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