Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
