the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
