Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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