Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
