I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
