He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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