Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Your cock deserves a montage
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just forgot I was standing up.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
