Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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