We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
