Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
