and you said cock pushups were impossible
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
