I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
