Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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