my phone needs a breathalizer
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
