omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
