She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
