soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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