Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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