dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
