we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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