If that was your dad, he is hot
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
