Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
is wine microwaveable?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
