Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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