we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
