Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
