Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
