I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
