I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
